When “I will be back” is not good enough

When “I will be back” is not good enough

 

Does this sound familiar…

You are super excited to go out. Your little one starts to scream when you are getting ready. You begin to doubt yourself. You start to think it would be so much easier to just stay home.

Or what about this…

Your child is enrolled in a program or class that it just for them. Your child was pretty excited about it. The day comes when the program happens. Your little one is refusing to get ready, crying as you are going out the door or starts to cry when you get there.

 

It can be so hard as a parent when your child is struggling with separating from you. I understand this completely!! Our young man has gone through struggles with separating from us, especially me. I honestly have shed many tears over this.

The fact is, it is very normal for children to experience separation anxiety.  

There are a few steps that will help your child with transitions and separation. The steps are as follows:

1. Allow your child to be upset.

We will often try to stop our child from being upset. If they are expressing their emotions we will ask them to stop crying. My belief is that the emotion is better out than in. Once your child is able to express their feelings it gives you an opportunity to figure out what is driving their behaviour.

2. Transitional Object

Giving your child a comfort object to keep with them. If your child already has a lovey this may work. I find that the best object is something of mine that my son really thinks I need. I used to give him my key ring and a business card. The key ring is something I always use. Whenever I came home or picked him up he would give it back to me.

Another really good item to use as a transitional object, especially for bedtime, is a piece of your clothing that has your scent on it. Our little man will go into my closet when I am not home at bedtime and help himself to a shirt of mine he wants to sleep with. He has even ended up with my pyjama bottoms on more than one occasion.

3. Keeping your emotions in check

This can be easier said than done. When your little one is struggling with the separation it can be heart-wrenching. It is not the end of the world if your child sees you cry; however, it is important for your child to see you express your emotion while you move forward with the plan.

4. Practice

This means that you keep going out or you continue to bring your child to the program. Over time the separation anxiety will reduce. If there are still issues than I would look at the program to make sure it is a good fit for your child. I would do this after 8 weeks. All behaviour can take up to 8 weeks to see a complete change.

5. Be Present

When you return to pick your child up or when you see your child after you return from your outing, make sure you pay attention to your child. Spend lots of time connecting and playing with your child.

 

As with all things parenting there is no one solution that is right for all children; however, these tips should help get you on your way. If you would like to have solutions that are suited for your particular situation, please book a free 15 minute consultation by clicking on this link.

If the separation anxiety is something that has been going on for a long time you may want to inform your child’s doctor and/or speak with a child psychologist. 

 

Bye for now,

Brenda

 

 

Separation Anxiety Stinks

Separation Anxiety Stinks

My little toddler started an un-parented class in December 2013.  I was panicked the first day I brought him to the class.  I was prepared for him to have a hard time transitioning as this was the first time he was alone in an unfamiliar environment.  He walked into the room said, “bye” and I left.  He did not bat an eyelash.  He was happy to go play.  That was easy for him. ( I cried as soon as I sat in the van).  This happened for 4 weeks, no issues at all.  He would simply run into the classroom.  

Week 5, he went into the room without issue but, he started to cry when we walked away. (Daddy was with me.) The teacher had reported that he cried for a few minutes and then he was distracted by his peers.  He was happy when Daddy picked him up.  

Then the next week he did not want to go in and he cried.  He held onto to me, and the teacher had to pull him off me.  I kept it together (how I am not sure) until I was out of his sight. I cried in the stairwell.  When I went to pick him up I could hear him laughing and having fun.

After speaking to the teacher, I discovered that there were no major changes in the program (the teacher had changed but that was weeks before) and that he was not having issues with any of his peers.  He was not expressing any concerns about the classroom.

The only thing that had changed was that he was potty training. BINGO! He hit a developmental milestone that changed things for him.

It has been 4 weeks of the separation anxiety issues. He still struggles with going in the room; however, the teacher does not have to pull him off me. I can pass him to her with some minor whimpers. This is a work in progress.  I am confident it will continue to get better.

So what did I do to help reduce his anxiety? Here are some of the tips I used:

  1. Remain calm I did not let him see me get emotional.  I remained as calm as possible.
  2. Consistency I remained consistent.  I took the same shoes for him, followed our regular routine before class, and then I used the same reassuring words, “Mommy will see you soon.”
  3. Transitional object I gave him part of my key chain to put in his pocket and gave him a business card to put in his other pocket. He now requests the items before he goes into the classroom.
  4. Don’t rush away when the program is done.  I take a few minutes to sit with him and listen while he tells me about his class.  This way I can ask the teacher what he did that day and talk it up all week.

The main thing to remember when you are going through a similar situation is that this too shall pass.  Separation issues can be a normal part of development.

I often tell parents that separation issues are a sign of a good attachment.  It can be hard to not just take your child and leave for the day.  I believe this is a teachable moment and a great opportunity for you to show your son or daughter how to cope in similar situations.

Hang in there.  This behaviour should get better with time and consistency.

Keep on smiling and hug your kids!