Child Development Archives - Parenting Foundations

When “I will be back” is not good enough

by Brenda McSween | Child Behaviour, Child Development, Member only, Parenting, Parenting Tools, Play, School Age, Toddlers and Preschoolers

Does this sound familiar…

You are super excited to go out. Your little one starts to scream when you are getting ready. You begin to doubt yourself. You start to think it would be so much easier to just stay home.

Or what about this…

Your child is enrolled in a program or class that it just for them. Your child was pretty excited about it. The day comes when the program happens. Your little one is refusing to get ready, crying as you are going out the door or starts to cry when you get there.

It can be so hard as a parent when your child is struggling with separating from you. I understand this completely!! Our young man has gone through struggles with separating from us, especially me. I honestly have shed many tears over this.

The fact is, it is very normal for children to experience separation anxiety.

There are a few steps that will help your child with transitions and separation. The steps are as follows:

1. Allow your child to be upset.

We will often try to stop our child from being upset. If they are expressing their emotions we will ask them to stop crying. My belief is that the emotion is better out than in. Once your child is able to express their feelings it gives you an opportunity to figure out what is driving their behaviour.

2. Transitional Object

Giving your child a comfort object to keep with them. If your child already has a lovey this may work. I find that the best object is something of mine that my son really thinks I need. I used to give him my key ring and a business card. The key ring is something I always use. Whenever I came home or picked him up he would give it back to me.

Another really good item to use as a transitional object, especially for bedtime, is a piece of your clothing that has your scent on it. Our little man will go into my closet when I am not home at bedtime and help himself to a shirt of mine he wants to sleep with. He has even ended up with my pyjama bottoms on more than one occasion.

3. Keeping your emotions in check

This can be easier said than done. When your little one is struggling with the separation it can be heart-wrenching. It is not the end of the world if your child sees you cry; however, it is important for your child to see you express your emotion while you move forward with the plan.

4. Practice

This means that you keep going out or you continue to bring your child to the program. Over time the separation anxiety will reduce. If there are still issues than I would look at the program to make sure it is a good fit for your child. I would do this after 8 weeks. All behaviour can take up to 8 weeks to see a complete change.

5. Be Present

When you return to pick your child up or when you see your child after you return from your outing, make sure you pay attention to your child. Spend lots of time connecting and playing with your child.

As with all things parenting there is no one solution that is right for all children; however, these tips should help get you on your way. If you would like to have solutions that are suited for your particular situation, please book a free 15 minute consultation by clicking on this link.

If the separation anxiety is something that has been going on for a long time you may want to inform your child’s doctor and/or speak with a child psychologist.

Bye for now,

Brenda

The More They Play, The Better They Sleep

by Brenda McSween | Child Development, Child Sleep, Parenting Tools, Play

Play promotes sleep in young children and is an important part of a child’s daily routine.

Play starts at a young age. The play looks so different depending on the age of your child. The more they play the better they sleep! Bring on the play!!

With a newborn, you will hear a great routine is EAT PLAY SLEEP. This routine will help to prevent your child from developing an eat to sleep dependency. How do you play with a newborn?? You change their diaper, sing, look out the window, play with a rattle, look at pictures or just hold them and talk. Since newborns sleep a great deal (15 to 18 hours) there is a limited time that there are awake to play.

As infants age, they will require more and more stimulation. As your child grows, they will start to take an interest in different objects. You might go out and buy the most elaborate toy; but, it is the box that it comes in that is the best for infants and toddlers (just watch closely – chewing hazard!). Then they start to get mobile and find their own objects to like and dislike. A few loud toys got thrown across the room in our house and it was not by me!

I quickly discovered the more fresh air I put into our day, the more sleep my little man was getting. When possible, we went out. This started when he was quite young. In the beginning, it was a stroller ride. Then it evolved into playing at the park, going for a walk around the block, playing in the backyard, going to the zoo, and so on. It does not have to be an elaborately planned activity.

For my sanity, I enjoyed meeting up with other people so I have some grown up conversation. Meeting up with others gave my little man a chance to have a change in his scenery (a change from looking at me) and play with other children. He fed off their energy!! It is great. He would go home and nap like a trooper!!!

We enrolled in some community activities as well. Parent and Child programs for the win!! We were in gymnastics, a pre-preschool program for 2.5 hours 1 day a week, and dance class. Considering my son is just 2.5 this is a great deal of activity. I strongly encourage not to program children too much. Still, leave time for spontaneous activity.

There are so many options available for children that it can be overwhelming! There are gym programs, art programs, music programs, sports, library programs, and dance programs. A great deal of the programs run for 6 to 12 weeks at a time. There are some programs that are consistent Monday to Friday from early morning until the late afternoon like child care settings and day homes. Even in these confusing Covid-19 times, you can find small programs that are following proper safety precautions or an online component that even the youngest of children enjoy.

I loved to find drop-in programs that did not require pre-registration and free activities. These programs were excellent on the days that my brain was fried and I just need instant entertainment for my son. Great examples of these activities are: drop-in storytime at your local library, coffee shop, and zoo; drop-in playgroups at your local gym, community center, bookstore, and churches; and our favorite was the walk around the mall (some malls have a great drop-in play area).

All the activities I previously discussed are great options; however, some days you just cannot leave the home, especially during isolation or quarantine. On the days that we could not get out, I notice an increase in his temper tantrums and his naps seem to be shorter. To prevent tantrums in the house I brought out activities that are not done daily. A favorite of mine is building forts (aka throwing a blanket over something and hiding in there!!). My little man enjoys playing music, so out come the pots, pans, and plastic containers. I call this our instant band.

Now, not all children are like mine. Not all children love to be out and about. If your child is a person that likes to stay close to home; honor that when you can. You can have so much fun playing at home. If your child likes to stay home and naps well then do that.

Child-directed play is a great way to enhance your child’s independence. This is when you let your child take the lead in the activity. You let them choose what the activity is going to be. You also let them be in control. If they want to change the activity and do it in a different way I challenge you to let them. For example, my 2.5-year-old will ask to play cards (yes we started him early)! To him, playing cards is putting the cards on the table and he grabs some and gives you some. Then he starts placing them down on the table. I have no idea what I am doing but I just follow his lead. He is one proud little boy when someone will play cards his way!

Please enjoy the time you can play with your little ones.

Now excuse me while I go through some pictures of him while he was younger while he is playing online with his friends!

The Benefits of Imaginative Play

by Brenda McSween | Child Behaviour, Child Development, Parenting, Play

I really enjoy sitting back and watching our young man using his imagination. He is the type of child that will be sitting watching a movie then all of a sudden he starts to act it out. His imaginative play can be quite simple and sometimes he develops these grand stories that go along with his play.

What are the benefits of imaginative play?

1. You get a real-life view of how your child is feeling or coping with a situation

If you sit back and watch or engage in your child’s imaginative play (letting your child take the lead) you will learn a great deal about how they are feeling. Play therapy is a tool that many therapists use with young children.

For example, our 5.5-year-old has been engaging in a great deal of play related to not being allergic to things. He has some anaphylactic allergies and some sensitivities. His play has indicated to me that he just wants to be able to eat what he wants. This play has allowed us to have many conversations about how “allergies suck but we can handle it”. This play gives him a chance to work out his frustrations with the allergies.

2. You get to observe your child questioning his environment

Children are constantly watching and seeing how others react and interact in their world. Their minds are filled with wonder. Wondering why things are one way for one person but different for another person.

For example, our son pretends that he has another mother. He does not act out that he has another father. Should I be offended by this? No! This is his way of trying to figure out why his older brothers have 2 homes with 2 mother figures. We have had wonderful conversations about how lots of children have 2 homes. It can also lead to conversations about the different family dynamics that exist.

3. You can role model how to act in various situations

Children are constantly looking to you for guidance in how to act or react in a situation. When children do not know what to expect in a certain situation you can teach them how to act or react by using imaginative play. This is referred to as role-playing.

Children learn a great deal through role playing. If your child is attending a doctors appointment you can role play with her what will happen and things that she may have to do like having her blood pressure taken. We recently had some role playing around getting a needle. Our son used to be great at getting bloodwork done. Well, needless to say, this is not the case anymore. I know he will have to get blood work in the next few months so we are preparing him through role-playing.

4. You get a clear understanding of how your child views your behavior

Remember your child is often watching how you are behaving. If your child begins to act out in a certain way stop and check to see if your behavior is being mimicked. I have seen this a great deal as a parent and as a worker in the child development field. I have worked with a number of parents that were really frustrated with their child’s behavior. It became very clear that the child was acting just like his parent. Our little people can be a mirror of our behavior.

For example, I have the luxury of having people that come in to clean our house every couple of weeks. For awhile, I was noticing all the things that were being missed. I would make a statement that went something like this “man the cleaners…”. Fast forward a few weeks and when we walked in the door to a beautifully clean house my young man, then 4 years of age, would say “man the cleaners..” before I got a chance to even see what was happening. This made me stop and remember that having a cleaner is a privilege that I should be embracing and not be criticizing.

Hang on for the amazing ride!

When given the chance to use imaginative play, the sky can be the limit to what you learn and how creative your child will be. Typically children begin to use imaginative play around the age of 18 months. You can sometimes see this at an earlier age. Usually, you will notice your little one pretending to be on the phone or using another object similar to the ones you use. When you start to see these behaviors, hang on and enjoy watching your little one be creative and explore the world with a different lense!

Feel free to join me in the forums to discuss your child’s imaginative play. I would love to hear stories that your child acts out.

Toddler Forum Preschool/School-Aged Forum

What toys are right for my child?

by Brenda McSween | Child Development, Infant, Parenting, Play

Recently I had a great conversation with a member of Parenting Foundations. She asked, “what are some developmentally appropriate toys for my children?” Her children are just under one year. I really wanted to answer this question with a bit more information and up to date real life information. So I took to social media and the forum to ask people what were their child’s favorite toys at various stages.

Before I dive into the answers I received I want to have a brief discussion on the fact that children are always more intrigued by real life items. Children love to explore their environment and are drawn to the items they see in everyday life. For example, our son loved the pots and pans! When I was getting supper ready it would not be surprising to have a little body beside me reaching in the cupboard for a pot that he saw me pull out a few minutes before. To encourage his exploration and discovery we had a few cupboards that he was able to access and he could scoot over to explore them (yes this was well before he could walk, he walked at 10.5 months). Another favorite for our young man was playing in the sink. I would pull up a chair to the sink and stay with him while he “did the dishes”. Of course, they were mostly plastic until he turned 3. He started this around 11 months. The point of this is to look around your house and offer real life items before feeling the need to run out and buy toys.

Now let’s get into the nitty gritty of age appropriate toys…..

Wait a second. Have you ever brought home a new toy only for your child to play with the packaging or box it came in for what seems like forever! I often would give the box or packaging (as long as it was safe) before giving the new toy. Large boxes have been great entertainment.

Developmentally/Age Appropriate Toys for infants and Toddlers up to 2 years of age

Infants birth to 6 months

Rattles that are easily grasped
Tummy time mats
Play mats especially the ones that are like a piano

Infants 6 to 12 months

Sit and Stand toys ( toys they can push or sit and play with)
Stacking Cups
Music toys

12 months to 2 years

pretend play toys (kitchen set, broom set, vacuum, plastic lawn mower)
Toys that sing or talk (Scout from Leap Pad, Elmo action dolls, etc)
Shape sorters
Pop-up toys (Play Skool “busy Poppin Pals”)
Push along toys (Best ones are the ones where kiddos can’t push them too fast)
Ride on toys
Toys that can be pushed or rode on (our son’s favorite was the Zebra from V-tech)

The are a number of gadgets and toys available. Remember less is more and safety is essential. I will admit we have purchased many toys that that do not get the playtime that I was expecting. To avoid this I would recommend watching your children when they are around other children and their toys to see what seems to catch their action the most.

Let’s continue this topic in the forum for those that are members of Parenting Foundations. You can add specific toys that your child enjoyed.

Favorite Toys

Unstructured Play – Here We Come!

by Brenda McSween | Child Behaviour, Child Development, Parenting Tools, Play

Last week I was beginning to panic about not having summer activities planned out. I was frantically looking for activities to sign our 2-year-old son up for and trying to come up with ideas for our 14-year-old. Then I came across an article about the importance unstructured outside play. This article reassured me that my original decision to take it one day at a time and not be over programmed was a good choice.

So we have embarked on a summer where we “Fly by the Seat of our Pants.” Last Friday my little man stated he wanted to see a train. Fast forward one hour and we were sitting on the CTrain heading downtown with no destination in mind. Then we landed at the zoo where he was able to run around in the dinosaur area. We then turned around and went home via the train. It was liberating to go with the flow. Seeing the smile on my son’s face was awesome. The best part was when it was nap time it took a grand total of 2 minutes for him to fall asleep.

Yes, we do have a vague plan. For instance, we know we will be going to visit relatives. I have brainstormed a number of activities we can do. I will be making an activity jar for the days I cannot decide what to do that day. I will simply put a number of activities on pieces of paper in a jar. The day I cannot decide to the jar I go!!!

Some of the ideas of activities for our youngest is as follows:

explore the neighbourhood
feed the ducks
indoor pools
spray parks
check out the many playgrounds in Calgary and surrounding areas
visit Butterfield Acres (awesome interactive farm for children)
backyard play
visit the zoo
bubble play
hiking
throwing rocks in a stream or river
water play with hoses and sprinklers

I then had another awesome realization!! I do not need to be the entertainment squad when my 14-year-old is here. He is an awesome young man that will follow along with his little brother if he chooses too. He is great at finding things to do. If he cannot, I will have a list of chores waiting for him! (A very easy way to encourage a teen to keep busy). I will admit he loves electronics but limits are a good thing!

My goal is to engage in as many child-directed play activities as possible. In a previous post, I explained how to engage in child-directed play. I am constantly amazed at how inventive and imaginative young ones can be when given the chance.

For example, we went to Spruce Meadows for the National Show Jumping event yesterday. We were in the line for our youngest to ride a pony. I originally thought it was going to be a painful wait. He kept himself (and me) entertained by running around (literally in circles), playing with some children he just met, picking grass, and then he starting practicing his gymnastics. I am so happy that I have made the choice not to worry about keeping my youngsters entertained all summer and refocused my plan to having fun and enjoying them as much as I can.

My wish for you is that you get to take time out for yourself and find things to do that work for you and your family.

Back to Routine: Is It a Good Thing or Not?

by Brenda McSween | Child Behaviour, Child Development, Parenting Tools, School Age, Toddlers and Preschoolers

“It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!” Thanks to a certain office supply store, this song repeats in my head every year at back to school time. I love the song but I am not so sure it is true. If you talk to my 13-year-old stepson he will tell you that school is okay but he enjoys his unscheduled summer.

This time of year is filled with back to school shopping, going back to school, early morning wake ups, lunch prep, homework, and the never ending extra-curricular activities. Insert a big sigh…

That was my glass is half empty approach! People that know me well know that I am a glass is half full kinda girl.

The things I like about this time of year are as follows: I know when I need to do school pick up; when I get to cheer on my boys at basketball; when we do toddler friendly dance and gymnastics; when I have time to spare; and when I need to get ready to pull out my hair.

Children crave and require predictability and routine. Visual schedules and calendars with lists of activities are helpful. Do not forget to schedule some down time and time to explore with their imaginations. I have observed that children that know what is going to happen next are less anxious. A very good example of routine and schedules would be bedtime!

A bedtime routine should be no more than 45 minutes in duration. A typical bedtime is as follows:

Snack
Bath
Brush teeth
Read Books (no more than 3)
In bed
Lights out

I believe that predictable routines and schedules make life as a parent so much easier!! Visual schedules (lists of words and pictures) are great for toddlers, preschoolers, and school-aged children. When you include your child in making the schedules they seem to follow them with more zest. Children love pictures! Schedules with pictures and words serve a double purpose (just do not tell your kids!). These schedules can help keep children on task and they teach word recognition! Have fun making your visuals!

Schedules and routines rock!

Take care and happy sleeping,